


what has got you distraught? (it's negative attention, at best)

by secretly_a_savior



Series: tie a noose around your mind (loose enough to breathe) tie it like a leash around a tree, tell it 'you belong to me' [3]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Drabble, M/M, One Shot, Souda has ASD, Souda has PTSD, Stimming, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-07 22:05:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretly_a_savior/pseuds/secretly_a_savior
Summary: a short drabble based on a tumblr request. also published on aaronbrunos.tumblr.com





	what has got you distraught? (it's negative attention, at best)

**Author's Note:**

> ""hey!! u said u take requests and i was wondering if u could do one focusing on souda stimming?? or just little asd quirks haha idk i just really like that you write him with asd as i never see that so anything like that id be happy to see if youd like to write it!! thank u!!"" - anonymous, Tumblr

Exams always wiped both Souda and Gundham out- and they often spent more time apart than together during them. Hope’s Peak High School’s exams were long, public displays of your talent, and it was quite nervewracking. It was much simpler for Souda, as his skill was provable within a few moments by taking apart and repiecing an engine. Gundham had to show off his most perfect animals and convey to the panel  _why_ his animals were so good. They weren’t exactly experts, so “ _I’ve never once had a case of Wet Tail among my hamsters”_ really meant nothing to them. He really had to work hard to prove himself.

Gundham needed space and time to be with his animals at a time like this, so Souda thoroughly appreciated the time he _**did**_ get to spend with his boyfriend. Like now, they were sat in the dormitory’s study lounge, pouring over papers and schematics. They were sitting in comfortable silence, but he was strangely anxious and uncomfortable. When he’d asked Gundham if they could hang out, he kind of just wanted to lay down with the other and destress. He was a little bit touch starved, worried about the exams for both himself and Gundham, and worried about a thousand other things all at once (as per usual.) 

Because he hadn’t thought they would be studying, he hadn’t really brought any of his things. Usually he had things on him to stop restless hands- dice, a worry stone, small model planes to disassemble and reassemble. He had at one point hadone of those spinners that were so popular, but the others poked fun at him for it quite a bit, so he kept that one put away, not trying to make his self-percieved deficiencies any more obvious. He didn’t have  _anything_ on him this time, though, and his mind was racing at a million miles an hour. Everything was just  _too much._ The papers, the constant scratch of Gundham's pencil on paper, the tag of his t-shirt felt like a razorblade on the back of his neck, and Gundham's barely-there presence that made him feel like he needed to stay silent and unobtrusive. His thoughts started getting the better of him, pelting him with insults as he fought to keep still. 

 _A study date? He doesn’t like me anymore, I knew it._  
  
_God this exam is driving me nuts. I don’t need to study I know how to build a fucking rocket from car parts. I’ve done it before._  
  
_He wouldn’t even hold my hand in the hallway today. He’s just waiting until after exams to leave me. Oh god oh god oh god oh god_

Unconciously, he brought his hand up to his mouth and began chewing at his nails, which were already basically stumps. Gundham glanced up at him from across the small table and frowned. 

“Stop.” He said, simply. 

“Stop what?” Souda asked, cocking his head. 

“Chewing your nails. Stop it, it’s not good for you. It's gross. ” 

_Great. Now he’s mad at me._

Truth be told, it was one of Gundham’s pet peeves to watch (and hear) somebody chew on their nails. It was gross and obnoxious- it didn’t occur to him  _why_ Souda may be doing it, though. While he had been given a vague idea of his boyfriends’ diagnoses, he was unsure of their effects. He didn’t want to read up on anything and view anything the other did as a  _symptom_ and not just a part of Souda’s behavior- in fact he found many of the other’s quirks endearing. 

Just not chewing on his nails. 

“Oh.” Souda replied, wiping his hand off on his jumpsuit and then putting his hands on the table, twiddling his thumbs for a moment before picking up a pencil. He began tapping it on the table, feeling minutely satisfied with the way the eraser bounced off the table. After a few moments of that, Gundham looked up once again. 

“Beloved One, if you must  _insist_ on making noise, can you go somewhere else, I’m trying to focus.” 

Souda put the pencil down, slouching, trying to hide his frown. He started scrunching his fist rapidly instead, occupying his other hand with his head as he started looking over the papers in front of him again. He picked up a pen to make a note, and  _immediately_ began clicking the pen tip incessantly, searching for  _something_ to calm his mind. 

Gundham snatched the pen from his boyfriend’s fingers, clenching his teeth with irritation. Souda straightened up, looking at the other with wide, almost terrified eyes. He started crying very quickly after.

Gundham, not noticing that the other had started crying, snapped on him. 

“I have requested,  _politely,_ that you  **stop.** Can you please, for my sake, quiet down or  _leave._ I am here because _you_  requested _my_  presence and you-”

“I’m sorry!” Souda cried out, cutting the other off as he sniffled and tried to stifle his tears. He was equal parts angry and absolutely terrified that he'd upset Gundham. “I’m sorry, I- I- I- I’m not trying to bother you I just feel so burnt out and I don’t want to look at pa- papers and schematics any more! I just want-wanted to-” he stopped, taking in a shaky breath. “- hang out and n-not think about these fucking exams! I’m sorry- I gotta go, I don't- I didn't wanna upset you!” he got up and left in a hurry, leaving his papers.

Gundham watched, immediately feeling bad that he had snapped like that- he was just irritated, beyond stressed about exams. He didn’t want to immediately follow the other, he was clearly upset. He took his time packing his and Souda’s belongings before traipsing out into the hallway, moving quickly toward's Souda's room. He was stopped dead in his tracks by one of Souda's best friends, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu. The two were unlikely friends, but often went out drinking together or cracked jokes together during class, and it made Gundham happy that he wasn't the only one sticking his neck out for Souda. The only issue was that Fuyuhiko tended to be a tad bit overprotective of his friends. 

"What the fuck did you  _do?"_  The gangster asked, crossing his arms. 

"It appears I have upset my Dark Prince, and I wish to go apologize to him. Do you take issue with this, Short One?" 

"I take issue with you makin' my friend cry, yeah." Fuyuhiko said, glaring daggers up at Gundham.  He had just caught Souda hastily leaving the study lounge, covering his eyes with his hat and going into his room, slamming the door. 

"It was not  _intentional._ " Gundham said, growing upset that Fuyuhiko would accuse him of hurting Souda on purpose. "I simply grew irritated with his incessant fidgeting. I did not know he would react so poorly." 

Fuyuhiko's face grew angry rather quickly. 

"Incessant fidgeting? it's self stimulation, you fuckin' moron." Fuyuhiko faltered for a moment, failing to find the right words to lay into the other with, angry beyond **belief.** "So you ignore him for pretty much a whole week, and then when he finally gets your attention, you yell at him for something he can't control? Why, you fuckin' idiot, I oughtta fuckin-"

"You  _oughtta_ do nothing. My relationship is not any of your business. _"_

"Like fuck it isn't! Do you not realize you're practically his whole world? I am constantly getting my phone blown up with him absolutely racking his brain, overanalyzing every single little thing you do making sure he's still good enough for you, that he isn't overbearing, that he isn't being a  _nuisance_ to you. I get that that's how he is, he's more skittish than a fuckin' housecat, but it doesn't help when you attack him for the  **few things**  that make him  **feel better.** " 

Gundham took in a stabilizing breath, getting dressed down in public was  _not_ something he enjoyed, and if it weren't for the prefects and auditors absolutely  _crawling_ campus, he'd sic his Zodiac Generals on Fuyuhiko immediately. He also thought that maybe attacking Souda's friends wasn't a great way to get into their good graces. He and Fuyuhiko didn't hate eachother, sure, but they certainly didn't see eye to eye. 

"I must be going." Gundham said, making a sharp about face and beginning to move towards the dorm rooms once more. He felt his arm grabbed, and ripped away from the grip, turning around to face the culrpit. 

"If you hurt Kazuichi, if you so much as make him feel bad for one second over something as simple as trying to keep calm, I swear to god, Tanaka, you won't hear the end of it. Just because you pretend you aren't human doesn't mean you can act like human emotion is something below you."

Gundham nodded, taking his leave. Fuyuhiko was a little bit (okay, maybe a bit over-the-top) protective of his friends. Gundham couldn't blame him, but he was left  **fuming** by even the suggestion that he was a bad boyfriend over one small altercation. He cared about Souda, he really did. He was just stressed, and upset, and maybe not as educated as he could be on the minutia of his boyfriend's mental health. He also grew sad, knowing that Souda was so anxious about his presence around Gundham- he absolutely  _adored_ the mechanic, and very rarely did he truly bother him. If he wanted to be alone, he made that clear, but otherwise he was very much open to and excited seeing his boyfriend. If he didn't want to be with Souda, he wouldn't be, and he couldn't think of many things that the other could do to change that how much he adored him.

He grabbed his keys and went to just enter the room, but decided instead to knock. It was met with no reply, so he knocked again, this time to announce that he was coming in anyway. He had a good idea of what he was gonna see when he entered, and he was right.  Souda was on the ground, bare feet, headphones in, working on a rubik's cube like his life depended on it. A few different things were set out in front of him, all things Gundham had seen the other playing with on occasion but hadn't thought much of.  Gundham had seen this before too, though, when the other was inordnately stressed out. The absolute unbreakable focus, the loud music, doing absolutely anything but the actual work he had to do. Souda was remarkable in his ability to  _focus,_ to just absolutely dial in on things and tune the whole world out when he was interested in them. Gundham was actually jealous, he often found his mind drifting as he carried out the tasks his animals required each day.

Gundham approached, and still wasn't noticed by the other, who was clearly intently focused. He pursed his lips and squatted down so he was at eye level with the other, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Souda jumped, yelping quite loudly and throwing the cube on accident, watching with wide eyes and a pounding heart as it shattered into 26 individual pieces. He blinked a few times, taking his headphones out carefully.

"I'm... so sorry. I did not mean to startle you." 

Souda just stared for a moment, brows knitted together. He was clearly struggling to shift his focus. Gundham gave about a minute of silence before speaking again, trying to allow the other a moment to calm down. He truly hadn't meant to startle the other, it was clear that the mechanic didn't expect that he'd be followed back to his room.

"I apologize, my Dark Consort. You did not deserve my wrath. You were simply-"

"Don't. Save it. I know, it's irritating, okay? It bothers me too. I've been hearing it all my life.  _Stop clicking the pen, stop bouncing your leg, stop chewing your nails, stop making weird noises, Hey, Souda, aren't you a little old to be playin' with toys? Oh, hey, Kazuichi, your stimming makes other people uncomfortable!_  I get it, sorry, I was doing it because  _I_ was uncomfortable, but I'll stop. I'm sorry." 

Gundham frowned. He adjusted himself so he was no longer squatting, but sitting on the ground as well. He vowed never to be the person who made Kazuichi feel so bad ever again, and here he was. Bitter memories of quarrels with the other flooded back up with the guilt and he bit down mard on the inside of his lip, searching for the right words to say. There was a long pause. He could hear the music coming from Souda's headphones which now sat on the ground, a quiet bassy buzzing.

"I understand it is something that you cannot help, and-"

"No. That's where you're wrong. I can help it. I can just shut down! It's that easy. Can't let your thoughts burn a hole in your mind if your mind is on vacation." 

Gundham sighed, he had clearly really hurt Souda's feelings when he hadn't intended to. He just wasn't the best with feelings, and to be honest, with Souda it was a minefield. He insisted  _more than once_ that ' _hey, if I'm ever bugging you, just let me know',_ but then as soon as Gundham said something he exploded? It seemed unfair, but in hindsight, bouncing a pencil on the table was harmless.

"Forgive me, my Dark Prince, for I love you so much and it was not my intention to make you self concious or feel..." he paused, unsure of how to procede. "...less than." 

Souda crossed his arms, half-pouting. 

"You did though, but it's fine. Stop apologizing. I know I'm crazy, okay? I know I'm annoying and quite frankly you shouldn't have to put up with it."

There was a long silence, again, where they both just sat there.

As he watched the pout fade from Souda's face, Gundham scooted closer to the other and wrapped his arms around Souda. Tense muscles became loose  _immediately,_ and he knew he had the other within reach again. 

"I'm sorry." He said again, reiterating. "I don't think you're different, or stupid, or crazy. I hesitate to think you are anything but absolutely incredible. Your mind is amazing, and l adore you."

"I-

"And I want you to know that you need not keep secrets. You very seldom are an unwelcome presence. If you are not occupying the room I am in, you are certainly occupying my mind." Gundham finished. Souda let out a long sigh. He brought his hands up, playing gently with the bandages that covered Gundham's arm. 

"English, please?" He asked, his mind still racing, struggling a little bit to parse the other's ridiculous, drawn out language. 

Gundham hesitated for a moment, watching the hands idly play along his bandages. It occured to him that Souda often did that- running his fingers through Gundham's hair, playing with the pins on his coatsleeve- it had never occured to him that it may be more than just a simple show of affection.

"You are very much wanted, and you are most certainly more than good enough." Gundham said, hoping he got his point across well enough. Souda smiled and hid his face in the other's coat, his face red. 

"I'm s-" he started, the words muffled. 

"Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong, My Love. Why don't we take a brief hiatus from our studies?" 

Souda pulled his face free from the smothering wool of Gundham's thick coat and smiled,   
  
"I'd like that. A lot." he replied. 


End file.
